Mischief at the baldchemist: January 2007

January 2007 ( Christ! time flies)

After recently receiving a letter from the Head of the Church of England, HMH Queen Elisabeth and one from the Vatican requesting, no ordering me to take a vacation and leave the church scandals that abound alone, I have at least for the moment, decided to refrain from making any further comment on religion.

So just for a change and acting upon information from MP Jeff Straw, UK Foreign Minister, that an adapted version of English is being instigated to level the playing field a little for our Germanic cousins.

The French as usual are up in arms, but in the interests of Egalitè this is the result:

“New language standards for EU” (the European Union for our American friends who don’t know anything outside of Denver and probably think its a fast food joint).

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility (they must have been kidding).

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-inplan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Easy eh? You New Yorkers will feel at home with this. Just like Brooklyn. Those of you who are the slightest bit entreupereal will jump on the bandwagon and open a new language school immediately.

8 million New Yorkers you have a job for life. Teach Euro English. Lucky Devils. And I spent 12 years learning "proper" English like the Queen ( Elton). What a waste!