Monday, December 31, 2007

happy new year to those who espouse arrogance

At the risk of sounding pompous and for those that know me well, I guess I am, I wanted to share a few observations and requirements for authority, our rates and fees...
If you seek to show the world your vision and aspirations and get them accepted by those that should know better but don’t, you must always be perceived as being in the know. A leading Authority.
The critics and I have more than my fair share of them, accuse those who aspire and espouse authority, with spouting platitudes and other rubbish.
But the critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They know how it’s done; they see it done everyday but are unable to do it themselves. Which is why they become critics?

No, being forthright, confident in your articulation and communication, you can show the world what your values, aspirations, passions are.
Creating and designing is difficult to explain because it’s easy to understand. Bit like pornography really- you can’t define it but you know it when you see it. Great media, films, web sites, logos brands and adverts are constructed to render invisibility. That’s the nature of the medium.
Our media is constructed through the skillful use of visuals and linguistic elements manipulated to arrest the human intelligence long enough for it to respond positively to your business objectives.
The challenge of course is to dismantle the totality of it all and interpret how it was out together. Media, read, comprehended and works sometimes is observed no longer than a few moments but may have taken a few weeks to create and produce. Which is why you get the people who know how. You get on with what you do best.

Remember that great visionaries leave burnt trails and certainly do not appear to follow the well trodden pathways that lead to the comfortable mediocrity we are so used to these days.
Importantly, be seen to stand for something higher. Good enough should never be good enough for you because it’s dull boring and expected. Stand for achievements of real value worth, as being worth more than just money. Standing for Honesty, Integrity Contributing to humankind and its World.
Be the one who when boring people they think it’s their fault.
We have no intention of retiring from this fabulous life, for just when we think things can’t get any better – we open another bottle of celebratory Bollinger.
So when you decide to negotiate with us about our high prices remember, a company will go to the ends of the Earth to employ the right people of which our fee is about 10%. So our fee may seem high but we have calculated carefully what it takes to create and produce media that achieves its objectives and places you and your company in the finest light. . It is what it is and the successful companies that have paid our excessively high fees are more that happy with the extraordinary results. If you want a Bentley don’t expect to pay Skoda prices.
Having got that off our chests what can we do for you?

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Monday, November 05, 2007

Protection for recreational sailors from whales and cephalopods at last


Recent endangering of recreational sail and motor craft by whales,dolphins and other cephalopods have given rise to my interest in the researching and developement of a cephalopod deterent.
E-WACK sea-tasar system ready for deployment on coastal whale migration is under developement in the interests of safety at sea. The espousing of corporal punishment to educate whales of the dangers of approaching marine craft is, I feel a requirement.

Due to protection and an unchecked breeding programme, Whales are becoming a systemic navigation hazard along the eastern and western coasts of Australia. The degree of the hazard is rising and will continue to do so. There have been injuries to sailors,damage to valuable equipment, interference in ocean race fleets and it is only a matter of time before a life is lost.

The Electronic Whale Aversion Conditioning Kinetics (E-WACK)is to remind the whales to stay away. "Once being lightly electrocuted/shocked by the marine launched tasar, the whale reacts immediately."

Secret small scale tests on smaller cephalopods such as dolphins and porpoises in Coastal Harbours and Bass Strait have proved encouraging, with the 'zapped' creatures subsequently displaying a distinct reluctance to approach or engage in 'close proximity behaviour' with vessels.

"Dolphins display an aversion memory after only a few sea-tasar strikes; porpoises seem to require at least 4 direct full voltage strikes but the number of strikes required to embed aversion behaviour in whales varies dramatically amongst the species.

We need to experiment with electrocuting/shock treating the full cephalopod species range to calibrate the ideal level of shock required."

Experiments are continuing with the humpback whale to ascertain the correct voltage.

"The difficulty we face is simply, too high a voltage and we burn the animal flesh or worse, stun them into paralysis, which just keeps the other whales in the vicinity and brings the sharks in for a feed. Too little a charge and the whales, particularly the young males, display clear signs of physical excitement, which appears to have the opposite effect of discouraging them from 'close proximity behaviour' with vessels. "

E-WACK goal is to provide the whales with a direct life-link between boats and pain.

"No more than slapping a recalcitrant child" said Mr Leigh

The sea-tasar unit can be launched by a single crew member from the deck and the deployment apparatus weighs less than 12 kgs.

The strike range is 200 metres thus limiting the danger to the vessel while undertaking sea-tasar manoeuvrers amongst a pod of whales.

E-WACK Programme Director Raymond Leigh will be a guest on the Audi Sailors Radio Show (8:oo am – Sydney -107.3fm) this weekend to garnish support amongst the Australian sailing community. He is seeking a volunteer fleet of up to 1000 boats if possible, and the support has been amazing, to participate in a calibration programme for humpback whales scheduled to start in the 2008 northern migration.

Interested parties please make yourselves known through COMMENTS

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The fight against the fat by leading expert, Professor Daly

Those of you that don’t have a personal trainer, time go to the gym or just generally don’t believe in all the hype that the baldchemist espouses about fitness and fatness, can console themselves with the weekly training programme devised by the well known life style expert, Professor Liam Daly.
Professor Daly, at present ensconced somewhere at a lifestyle establishment in Double Bay, Sydney, has agreed to give exclusively to the baldchemist his personal programme.
You will note there is no need for expensive gym equipment or gym memberships. Professor Daly advocates the use of the stuff one deals with every day. His advice, learn from your surroundings.Here is Prof. Daly's programme for the retention of his condition.Repeat several times for the best results.
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday:
Blow my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces. And raise more than a few glasses to round off the week.
Professor Daly has, thanks mainly to this very strict regime, managed throughout his life, to keep in shape retaining his weight and figure constant.
Many thanks Professor, who we are led to believe holds nightly, classes in several establishments around the Eastern suburbs. We await in eager anticipation his next round of wisdom in the fight against the health freaks.
NOTA BENE.
Professor Daly does not work out on Sundays but spends the day relaxing and having a couple of well earned beers with friends before toddling off to Mass at the local ministry where he will imbibe a little wine. Allowing the body to recover before embarking on another hard work out week.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Everything you didn't know about diet advice

I took the time recently to visit a lifestyle center in Double Bay, Sydney to discuss the concerns and myths around exercise and diet with one of the Worlds foremost experts on the subject, Professor Liam Daly well known bon viveur, gourmand and lifestyle guru.
The results will awaken new thoughts on diets. I'm astounded that we know so little. Thank God for the Irish.

The baldchemist. Are vegetables really good for my diet and how many should we eat on a daily basis?
Prof. Daly You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn- vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

The Baldchemist. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Prof. Daly. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So cheers and good health.

The baldchemist. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Prof Daly. Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

The Baldchemist. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Prof Daly. Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

The baldchemist. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Prof. Daly. You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

The Baldchemist. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Prof. Daly. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

The Baldchemist. Is chocolate bad for me?
Prof. Daly. You are totally mad if you think so! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! Fill up reqularly.

The Baldchemist. Is swimming good for your figure?
Prof Daly. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales,whalrus and seals to me.

The Baldchemist. Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Prof Daly. What do you think round is? It’s a shape of course!

Hopefully this will clear up the misconceptions you may have had about food, diets and what is good and bad for you.

Prof Daly. Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Bollinger in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “ Jesus! What a f*#@*ing great ride".

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Saturday, July 28, 2007

Euro English the new language of the EU

Saturday, July 28, 2007
Messing with the great English language

After recently receiving a letter from the Head of the Church of England, HMH Queen Elisabeth and one from the Vatican requesting, no ordering me to take a vacation and leave the church scandals alone, I have, at least for the moment decided to refrain from making any further comment on religion.

So just for a change and acting upon information from MP Jeff Straw UK Foreign Minister, that an adapted version of English is being instigated to level the playing field a little for our Germanic cousins, I decided to rejoin the Academics and report the findings.

The French, as usual are up in arms but in the interests of Egalite, this is the result:

New language standards for EU (the European Union for our American friends who don�t know anything outside of Denver and probably think its a fast food joint).

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility (they must have been kidding).

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-inplan that would become known as "Euro-English.

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer ze u,nesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Easy eh? You New Yorkers will feel at home with this. Just like Brooklyn. Those of you who are the slightest bit entreupereal will jump on the bandwagon and open a new language school immediately.

8 million New Yorkers, you have a job for life teaching Euro English. Lucky Devils. And I spent 12 years learning the Queens English- What a waste!

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